GLENS RED-HAND, NO MATCH FOR GARDA HEAVY-HAND

In the spirit of writing wrongs from our troubled past, it is only right that the spotlight should fall upon our resident police force in the Republic of Ireland; An Garda Síochána na hÉireann.

Saturday 13th March saw over 700 Glentoran supporters travel to Dublin for their club's Setanta Cup match with Bohemian FC.  It was to be a day to remember unfortunately not for the football, but for the needless violence leading to up to, and during, the game itself.

The only known cause for the inflammatory response by the 'Guards'  in calling in the riot squad?

Flags.  What else?

Whilst one or two Ulster Flags/Union Flags could be spotted amongst the away crowd, and easily five Irish tricolours in the home end might I add, the offending flag that really got the old bill's knickers in a twist was a big green, red & black tricolour - coincidentally, the colours of Glentoran FC.  

Please note that it wasn't until the second half that this flag was reinstated amid fears of another mini-riot, like this one...

And like the red of a St Patricks Athletic shirt to a raging bull, many within the Jody Stand of Dalymount Park which held the away support, a direct confrontation between Glentoran fans and the 'Guards' had been firmly established.  Heavy-handed batons were yielded to those who dared question the reasoning behind the removal of their flags.  I thought scenes like this were only acted out in flashpoint areas of Northern Ireland?  Surely not over the border too?

Haven't an Garda Síochána learnt anything from 30 years of violence up North?  A hostile police force creates a hostile atmosphere.  This wasn't a high risk Old Firm game.  It was Glentoran vs Bohemians playing what was essentially a 'nothing' game as Boh's had already progressed to the final stages of the tournament.

An Garda Síochána roughly translates as 'Guardians of the peace'.  God help the poor lad (above) on the receiving end of such peace.  It's a shame they didn't guard this peace instead of inflame tensions with their over-zealous actions.  Actions that I am informed even had the home fans looking on disbelief at what had kicked off - excuse the pun.

A bad taste was left in the mouth at the end for many fans' excursion down South from the trouble that ensued, perhaps even more-so than their club's exit from the all-Ireland club cup.  And needless to say, it certainly made a mockery of my pre-match assurances to the various Glenmen that there would be no trouble at all.   The scuffle outside The Bohemian Bar between the 10 or 15 'Ultras' from both teams looked minuscule in comparison to the unexpected riot police threat.

Then again, was it really to be that unexpected?

HOLYWOOD BOYS FC - R.I.P

The 'Treble'-winning U10 team of 1998 & Champions of Northern Ireland    (me: 6th back-row)

It was with great sadness recently to learn that my first junior football club Holywood Boys were taken over by the ex-Formula One driver Eddie Irvine and exported to Bangor.  The new name...

... "Eddie Irvine Sports Football Club".

Founded in 1991 Holywood Boys was a junior football club based predominately in the North Down area of Ulster.  As the name suggests, it was originally an all boys youth football club. It's training pitches were based at Redburn before relocating to Spafield further in the town.  They were also a club with whom I was proud to have represented for six years.  It was at the tender age of ten that I was 'scouted' whilst on international duty (otherwise known as school football) by the club's founder, and current County Down IFA coach, Raymond Alexander.  A knock on the door of the house one memorable day in June by the man himself persuaded me to give up my Saturday morning lie-in's for the more-often-than-not muddy slogfests on the slightly over-sized King George's Playing Fields, just next to the famous Oval stadium.  Following a slightly deluded swap with a friend I parted ways with my recently aquired Nintendo Gameboy and traded it for none-ther than a pair of (wait for it...) 'Patrick' football boots.  I was ready for action.

Holywood Boys FC was where I would showcase my Cruyff turns, Baggio flicks (not mullets), and Gazza celebrations for a total of six years.  At 16 (and a couple of dodgy stints with George Best's old club Boyland FC of Sydenham) I'm quite happy to admit as a player, I had peaked.  A season-long spell on my boyhood club Glentoran FC's books had ended and with a tinge of regret.  I parted ways with East Belfast's finest and it was back to North Down I went, joining hometown club Holywood FC (no connection whatsoever to Holywood Boys FC) then finally into the welcoming arms of Bangor Swifts FC. 

However, it was with those youthful years at Holywood Boys with whom I enjoyed the most success.  In 1998 at U10 level we quite simply were 'the Cream of Northern Ireland' at our age group.  A Dundonald Junior League 'Double' success was followed up by victory in what was known then as 'The Champions of Champions' (the Champions' League - except better).

I started off as a centre forward, dropped into centre midfield, won player of the year two seasons on the trot as a centre-back (hated it), and laterly found myself occupying the left-wing (politically too on occasion).  Mr Versatile.  What can I say, John O'Shea learnt from the best!

On the whole our club had a massive appeal country-wide.  Our chief scout (Walter Windrum) only needed to murmer the words 'Holywood Boys' and manys a young lad's ear would perk up immediately.  Off the top of my head current stars of the Irish and English leagues such as Chris Brunt (West Brom) and Jamie Mulgrew (Linfield) both plyed their trade early on at Holywood Boys.  Jamie himself would testify that Holywood Boys played a crucial part in his development and had undoubtably nurtured his obvious talent at such a young age.

Players within my age-bracket in-particular tended to flock from all over the UK and Ireland to join us.  The most notable was the signing of four players from the now defunct Antrim Eagles who travelled at least 20 miles just to come to training in Holywood every Wednesday night.  Fair play to those lads inparticular because if truth be told, I wasn't even willing to spend my Wednesday nights enduring the 3 mile bus journey to Glentoran Colts for training (lack of car in the family ruined my GFC career, there I said it!).

In an era in Northern Ireland which can only be classified as 'transition', Holywood Boys excelled.  Whether you be of Catholic or Protestant; it simply did not matter.  Our club was quintessentially the ultimate cross-community junior football club.  I can recall a tournament in Blackpool where our club was ridiculously accused of being 'bigoted' by someone from a rival club who took offence to seeing a one of our players who had the indignity of sporting a Rangers FC shirt post-match.  This grievance was countered by the sight of a Rangers shirt displayed on our teams window - alongside a Glasgow Celtic top. The aggreived party's head must have been doing Obafemi Martins somersaults at the absurtity of it all!

However on the playing side of things it was to be, and rather inevitably, the huge Bangor influx of players which would be to the detriment of Holywood Boys Football Club.  In recent years the club even re-located to Bangor which all but resigned the 'Holywood' name into obscurity.  Indeed, along came Eddie Irvine in 2008 with his very own sports' complex to promote in Bangor.  The final nail in our club's coffin was finally within range.  Eddie's target... my once great junior club Holywood Boys.

Rest In Peace HBFC (1991-2008).

BATTLE OF THE CHAMPIONS - PART DEUX

This weekend see's the final round of group games in the Setanta Cup where three of four teams will progress to the semi-finals of the all-Ireland tournament.  St Pat's Athletic head north to Belfast as they face-off against Irish League runners-up Linfield, in what should be an 'All-or-Nothing' encounter.  Following last week's 1-1 draw at Richmond Park it's hard to know what way the game will swing, but I'd expect home advantage to push the Blues over the finishing line - which Sligo Rovers so far are the only one's to cross.

However, the pick of the clashes will be in the Dublin suburb of Phibsboro where Irish League champions Glentoran travel south of the border to meet League of Ireland champions Bohemians at Dalymount Park.  The former home of international football in the Republic will play host to a near-capacity crowd as will it's current home, at Croke Park, which should also be full of northern soul come Saturday afternoon as Ireland's rugby team take on Wales - a double-whammy for the Ulster support amongst the travelling Glentoran contingent, no doubt. 

The East Belfast men will be out for revenge following their 2-1 defeat at the Oval in December.  However, the 'Cock n Hens', who are under new management in the rookie Scott Young, will know they can still do what is required of them. With the 'Gypsies' progression in the competition guaranteed, there is a fair chance it will be against a weakened Bohemian FC.  But with the League of Ireland season only just under way, there will be players on the fringes looking to impress their manager - ex-Linfield player - Pat Fenlon. 

This will be my second time at Dalymount Park, having had the "unique" experience of sitting amongst the fans of Boh's Dublin rivals... Shamrock Rovers.  It wasn't a good night for ' The Hoops' in that clash last season with Boh's winning 2-0, and by all accounts the post-match riots on the city's O'Connell Bridge produced a similar result.  Legion 1882, you have met your match.

The Future of the Setanta Cup...

Ticket allocation for the Glens was set at 1,000 although with popularity of the all-Irish competition fading rapidly this season, I wouldn't be surprised if the away support is closer to 500 come kick-off.  There have been various calls for a massive overhaul of the Setanta Cup.  I would agree with that.  First stage of the overhaul  would be to remove the FAI from any kind of power.  This would eliminate the potential of making a mockery of the competition (see last year's Setanta Cup Final fiasco).  Playing cup final's on opposing team's grounds make it a home game for the opposing team.  IFA take note.

The current Setanta Cup format involves:
- 4 teams (Irish League, NI)
- 5 teams (League of Ireland, ROI)
- 3 groups of 3.
- 3 winner's progress to Semi Final.
- 1 (best) runner-up progress to Semi-Final.
- Final venue decided by FAI/IFA (alternating years)

The basic concept is certainly there, but the teacher's report to the organising committee would be "could do better".  There is the possiblity that the competition could revert to a plain and simple 'knock-out' tournament which would open matches up to teams lower down in their domestic leagues.  We could be kicking-off this new format with Larne heading to Limerick and Athlone going to Ards.  Then, as with the FA Cup in England, the big teams could then enter the competition at a later stage. 

But of course, money would play a huge part in such plans for these clubs.  As we have seen this season with the unfortunate demise Cork City and Derry City, money is scarce at the bigger Irish clubs too.  Both club's eviction from the Setanta Cup hasn't helped the competition's credibility in the slightest, although in fairness Setanta can't be blamed for a club's financial troubles.  Infact, their willingness to stick by the all-Ireland competition in such dire times must be commended, especially as the broadcaster itself can't be making that much money from two poorly supported leagues on the island.  Shame on you EPL and SPL armchair 'fans'!

Also, in order to avoid the sheer bias on either associations part, let Setanta choose the venue for their 'prestigious final' once the two teams have been decided.  The FAI's last-ditch attempt to pump money into a dying Cork City FC by handing them home advantage at the last minute in the 2009 final was wreckless, and did nothing to convince me and many other local football enthusiasts that this island is ready for an 'All-Ireland League'. 

Until then, a revamped Setanta Cup will suffice. 

Saturday evening's game between Boh's and Glens, which is being billed as "The Battle of the Champions - Part Deux", will be televised on Setanta Ireland from 5:15pm.

Bring on the Champions !!

THE SUNDAY FOOTBALL SAGA

A fellow Irish League follower got in touch recently after my previous post on my reaction to the Linfield and Glentoran Boxing Day postponement.  We got together over a few pints (bitter) for a one-to-one. He posed some interesting questions....

- Why should Linfield play 2 matches in 48 hours if they don't have to?

They don't have to. They didn't. It was a decision totally up to them and I accept that.  The Glens have a big game at Portadown on Tuesday night too.

- And what exactly do Rangers and Celtic playing on a Sunday have to do with anything?

Ah come on, do you really need me to answer that one for you...

- Sunday football is not the great saviour it's billed as by those who lobby for it as they are competing with live English Prem.

Agreed. We will never be in a position to go pound-for-pound against the EPL. We come up against live football at most hours of the day though. Switching games to a Sunday will probably make no difference to attendances. But why be so set against it to the point where you inconvenience the biggest game of the season? Money is tight in the Irish League. Clubs are on the verge of collapse as we speak.

- And do please tell me what this "Uberprod" mentality at Windsor Park is?

My original remark was "The 'Super-Prod' mentallity from the hierarcy at the South Belfast club yet again pulls us back to the past."  Do Linfield answer to the Free-Presbyterian church now?    I've encountered Protestant Bluemen labelling Protestant Glenmen 'sell-outs' for breaking the out-dated tradition of no football on a Sunday.  It may only be a bit of banter but there tends to be a moral superiority undertone to it.  Staunchly refusing to kick a ball on Sunday in the name of 'Protestantism' does not mean you will get into Heaven any quicker.

- And what is this "Might have been" you speak of? The sides will meet later on in the season.

The 'what might have been' I speak of regards the five Irish Premiership games being cancelled.  It was disappointing as I wasn't able to attend a match while I'm back in Belfast for the weekend.  Top marks for analysing my post to the death by the way!

On the weather...

- I must admit, looking at the weather, I was surprised by the postponement, but, one night of improvement has been up against three/four days of continuous frost.

It was a surprise indeed, especially when I saw the Sun come out just after 11am! But if the pitch isn't playable then that's that I suppose.

- I seem to remember five out of six fixtures in August 2008 being postponed due to the weather, so summer is hardly immune to inclement weather, as has the LOI fixture lists during the summer months.

Agree entirely, but why close yourself off to the idea?  Personally, I'm not against it but I'm not totally convinced it would be a wonderful thing for the league either.

On the Glentoran invitation to Linfield to put the game back 24 hours to Sunday...

- There are many examples in English football of clubs declining Sunday games after Saturday postponements.

Correct. But you won't come close to a 10,000 bumper crowd in the rearranged fixture. Then again money wouldn't be an issue with Linfield. And you can take that as a snide dig if you want (you seem to have taken my post to heart which wasn't the intention) but the truth hurts.

- Exactly how is Linfield looking after their players schedule "Dragging us back to the dark ages"?

I don't blame any club for looking after their players schedule. My issue was with Linfield's inability to play Sunday football. Dark ages = unable to move away from the past. Sunday football. No! Never! is the reply time and time again from a minority at Linfield FC.

- Amongst who is NI the "Laughing stock" of the Western World over Sunday football? Has anyone ever publicly mocked NI over it? ?

I know scores of people outside of Northern Ireland looking in at us and exposing us as a backward looking country with regards to the Sunday football saga. What kind of mentality resides in the people who are so set against playing football on a Sunday, yet pass up God's day of rest for a protest outside a football stadium?

Only in Northern Ireland.  Progression has never been our strong point!

MAKE "TABOO SUNDAY" HISTORY

Boxing Day.  Saturday 26th December, 2009.  It's supposed to be a 10,000 sell-out at The Oval for the 'Big Two' clash between Glentoran and Linfield. 

I post three hours before kick-off - It has since been cancelled.

Like an Henry handball, myself and many other Irish League fans will feel cheated out of 'what could have been'.  It reaffirms recent calls for a switch to summer football.  I for one am losing reasons for arguing this proposal.  It was reported that today's game (along with four others) was cancelled due to frozen pitches, which might be the case in the rest of Northern Ireland but in East Belfast?  Not a chance.  As I look out my window just 3 miles from the ground itself, I see the Sun shining and the only frost in sight is that of a toy 'Frosty the Snowman' across the road from me.

In previous years I have attended the Oval for this fixture in the snow.  Today's postponment is just another dagger through the heart of the Irish League. 

Pre-postponment Glentoran were threatened with a £40,000 fine from the IFA.  Following the lack of football today it could be much more costly than that.  The already faltering interest levels in the local game will wither and die, unless of course.... we play the match tomorrow instead.

Wait, we can't do that.  It's a Sunday...

That's right, Linfield have turned down the offer from Glentoran to re-play the game within 24 hours of it's cancellation.  However, I'm not surprised.   The 'Super-Prod' mentallity from the hierarcy at the South Belfast club yet again pulls us back to the past.  At the risk of offending Jesus at Christmas time, it's time to wise up and stop becoming the laughing stock of the western world.  If Rangers can play Celtic on a Sunday, why can't Glentoran play Linfield??  It's a head-scratcher of the highest order - and I don't just mean the 'Orange' one.

I can appreciate players such as Glentoran's Michael Halliday's conflicting view on the matter.  No-one should be forced to play football on a Sunday.  If that be their wish, the clubs should give them their full support on what is a highly sensitive issue.  However, no-one should hold back the overwhelming majority in support of Sunday football. 

Northern Ireland is the only place in Europe (maybe even the world) where playing football on a Sunday is very much frowned upon.  Infact, it was such a taboo that only recently the IFA have decided to scrap this ancient-rule that hung over football in this country like a death sentence.

My message to those opposed to Irish League games taking place on a Sunday is simple.  Go to church in the morning time, pop into Centra for a few groceries, then join the rest of us in the 21st Century.

-----

PS: The game between Crusaders and Cliftonville is the only survivor of the weather this Boxing Day.  Congratulations to the backroom staff at Seaview who had the foresight to bed-in their new 4G synthetic pitch last month.  It is essential for the league if it continues to operate during the winter months in Northern Ireland. That'll be 11 and a half out of the 12 then.

BOXING DAY BONANZA!!

It's that time of the year again; the only weekend of football where Irish League clubs can actually expect to make a profit from their upcoming matches.  Boxing Day (that's St Stephens Day for 'The Reds') is the biggest day in our local football calendar - even bigger than Irish Cup final day.  I know this because the 26th of December involves at least FOUR traditional derbys each year in the Carling Premiership.

North Belfast derby

Crusaders vs. Cliftonville

The Sheep Derby

Coleraine vs. Ballymena

The Merseyside derby of... Craigavon

Glenavon vs. Portadown

and of course... 'The Big Two' derby

Glentoran vs. Linfield

This special festive helping of local rivalries has been spiced up thanks to the level of competition this season.  Come the new year one team from Crusaders, Cliftonville, Linfield and Glentoran could be top of the pile.  It certainly makes this weekends fixture list all the more appealing to the loyal followers of the league.  Long may it continue!

However, the stand-out game is current champions Glentoran up against bitter blue rivals in Linfield.  That's no disrespect to the Crues and the Reds, but nothing compares to a Boxing Day clash between Northern Ireland's two most decorated clubs.  It is quite simply a special occasion.  Unfortunately though, in recent years this fixture has been in the headlines for all the wrong reasons.  Hopefully come Sunday, football will be the only headline maker as the Glens stand to be fined £40,000 should their fans rise to the inevitable Linfield 'bait'.

Last year at Windsor Park certainly left a bad taste in my mouth after a few headers from the 'Dee Street Massive' decided they were going to pelt Linfield fans with fireworks and various seats ripped out of the North Stand.  Not only was it totally and utterly pointless, but it shed Glentoran supporters in a terrible light considering we had been outclassed by a superior Linfield side on the day.

3-0 was how it ended last year at Windsor, but I anticipate a much closer affair this time round.  I have this one down as a 2-2 thriller.  I think we might even see a Gillespie special.  Here's hoping anyway!

------------------

PS: Crues to beat Cliftonville at Seaview.  Coleraine to win the sheep derby, and a share of the spoils in the battle of mid-Ulster in a game that will spilt the whole of Craigavon in two... probably from laughing.

SWINE "LES BLEUS" OUTBREAK IN DUBLIN

Forget In-fluenza, think more In-form-Benzema.

World Cup fever is the latest infectious disease to hit Dublin. So under strict orders from the doctor (Dr Paisley) I have been advised to return North to Belfast this weekend where the chances of catching it are virtually impossible, unless of course Slovakia and Slovenia are nuked (see group 3).

However, Swine 'Les Bleus' is what followers of the Republic of Ireland should be extremely wary of come Saturday night. It might have been all smiles holding Italy to a 2-2 draw at Croker last month, but do that in the upcoming play-off against France and they can expect to join their Northern neighbours on the "it's good but it's not the one" scrapheap.

There is already a bit of a buzz going on in Dublin at the minute (and I don't just mean the nice fellas down on Aston Quay with the blue bags). Everyone is talking association football, which certainly makes a change in these parts. It's all about beating the French.

Not for me though...

I'm looking forward to my return to the 'wee six' this weekend where I'll be following in Jeff Stelling's footsteps with my very own version of 'Soccer Saturday'. On my return to God's Country I shall take in Northern Ireland's very own Croke Park... Seaview. Followed shortly after by a trip to the South (steady..) Belfast version of the Theatre of Dreams...Windsor Park. Ok so it's no Old Trafford, but it puts Dalymount Park to shame!

Anyway, my starter from the day's tasty menu will be at 2pm for Crusaders (2nd) vs Glentoran (3rd) in the Carling Irish Premiership. I'd like to take this opportunity to wish our manager Alan McDonald well in his recovery from illness. I've stated before I didn't think he was the man to take the Glens forward this season, but I am left numb with guilt at the thought that some of my fellow supporters could sink to the depths of despair with sickening text messages sent to his mobile phone following our 6-0 defeat to Coleraine last week. No manager should have to put up with that sort of crap. So I'll be at Seaview to give Alan the benefit of the doubt as manager of Glentoran Football Club. Sometimes maybe it takes a thumping at home to wake the team up. In saying that, I believe the game will be a dour 1-1 draw.

Next up is the main course where Northern Ireland entertain Serbia. Judging by the tickets still available at Windsor on Saturday, I don't think it has caught the imagination of some NI fans. Then again, you have to question the term 'fan' in this case. For me, I don't care whether we are playing Brazil at the Maracana or Outer Mongolia on an ice-rink, I am hooked on all our international games. 5pm on Saturday will be no different. The bonus is we're at home. You can't beat the walk down Tate's Avenue whilst necking a cheeky bottle of the monk's finest chanting "We'll Support You Evermore!" and managing to look like someone that's just broken out of Purdysburn for the day.

For the match itself I can't see past a Serbia victory. My heart says we could slay another dragon of European football if Healy finds his scoring boots and the two Celts impress. But the head says 3-0 to the Serbs.

Finally, for dessert (if I can stomach any more) it's off to the nearest pub to catch the start of the Republic vs France game. PaddyPower are offering odds of 8/1 for a 2-1 win to France which looks tempting. Although the bet of the day comes from this very website.  I'm offering odds of 32/1 that I gain entry to 'The Bot' in my Northern Ireland attire.

On second thoughts, I think I might just hop on that 19:16 train back to Holywood...

THE BLUES WILL BE HAVING THAT BACK THANKS ALAN

Old McDonald had a team... save the eeyi-oo's, his team have been shite all season. The 6 (six) - nil defeat at the Oval at the hands of lowly Coleraine has to be the final straw.  Alan McDonald simply has not one clue. I do no not wish to elaborate as the list could be endless. Thanks Alan but it's time to go.

BRING MARTY QUINN TO EAST BELFAST.

That Keef Gillespie Thing...

Well it looks like the time has finally arrived. Former Manchester United & Northern Ireland star Keith Gillespie is set to make his full debut tomorrow afternoon for Glentoran. He couldn't have picked a greater stage to make his arrival on the hallowed green turf at the Oval. Irish League Champions vs League of Ireland Champions - Bohemians - in the opening group game in the all-Ireland 'Setanta Cup'.

The Glen's last NI international to be signed was Michael O'Neill - now boss of Shamrock Rovers - who was nearing the end of a decent career he had carved out for himself. He was a safeguard for Glentoran at that time, someone to take charge of midfield and use his experience to help the likes of Paul Leeman and Scott Young at the time. I just wonder, will Gillespie offer the same guidance to the young players coming through at the Oval?

I mean he was hardly the model profesional that say somebody like O'Neill was. I lost count of the number of times it was reported he had fallings-out with team-mates, managers etc. One sorry tale even resulting in a 'fair dig' between himself and George McCartney. I hope he has learnt his lessons and guys like Daryll Fordyce can learn from Keef this season.

I'd be surprised if Fonacab forked out another season on his wages so this may well be Gillespie's last hurrah. Lets make it a memorable one... starting with a victory in the 'Battle of the Champions' tomorrow!

COYG*

*That's Glentoran AND Gillespie!

2008/09 season: A footballing review

Team of the Year - FC Barcelona. Their performance against Man Utd in the Champions League Final was phenomenal. Fully deserved to be crowned Champions of Europe, Champions of Spain and King's Cup winners. The Glorious Treble achieved.

Manager of the Year - Josep Guardiola of Barcelona. Phil Brown of Hull would have been in contention if it wasn't for a total collapse after Christmas which almost seen them relegated.

Biggest over-achievers - Liverpool. What's the name of that famous old ship that hasn't sailed into Merseyside?? The Premier-ship??

Biggest under-achievers - Newcastle United. Dreadful. Shockingly poor season. Big players, underperformed. Duff, Owen, Viduka & Martins. Big name players, but were always gracing the physio's room more often than the Newcastle pitch!

The Kevin Keegan Award for Sore Losers - Rafa Benitez. And that's a FACT.

Most hated player - Didier Drogba.

Most over-used phrase - "... and here come the World champions Manchester United". Commentators didn't half milk United's 3 match success in a mediocre competition against poor continental teams. It's just not the Champions League (a European competition which perhaps somewhat ironically, United did not win).

Most under-used phrase - "Premier League champions Liverpool". Will we ever hear this? Not as long as they keep that fat Spanish waiter in charge. Long live Manuel.

TV personality of the year - Adrian "I have more jobs than a Labour MP" Chiles.

Worst TV pundit of the year - Martin "Norvern Eyeland have no chance of qualifying" Keown

Worst TV pundit of the century - Mark "I slag the N.Ireland side at every opportunity even though I was born in Preston, work for the BBC, and have Irish grandparents" Lawrenson

Funniest moment of the season - Newcastle hiring & sacking 'King Kev', Joe "You F****** C*** journalist f****** a********" Kinnear, then when all else fails appoint Alan 'The Messiah' Shearer to guide your team to the Championship. This is a man who's CV includes sitting next to Alan Hansen and Mark Lawrenson (noted above) and talking a load of balls.

Biggest surprise of the season - Newcastle's demise, Hull City's rise, Rafa's lies, the Scousers' cries. Please, please, dry your eyes!!

Funniest chant of the season - "We're gonna deep-fry your criossants, deep-fry your criossants..........." (Scotland fans to France during a European Qualifier at Hampden Park).

Fattest wallet in the world - Apart from Bertie Ahern, Manchester City (cue the celebration parties at Eastlands

Biggest disgrace if you're a Linfield supporter - Getting paid by the IFA yearly only to watch on across the city as your arch rivals Glentoran take 'your' League crown!

Biggest sulk of the season - Roy Keane.

Biggest waste of money - Robbie Keane. London Victoria to Liverpool Lime Street on one of the most expensive return train tickets you'll see.

Oldest manager of the season - Giovanni "everyone's favourite Grandad" Trappatoni.

Next season's EPL champions - Chelsea. Hiddink will be forgotten.

Next season's Champions League winners - Inter Milan. Mourinho craves 'old big ears' success again. Porto seems like a long time ago now.

Team to brake the big four in England - Manchester City. At the expense of Arsenal?

Teams to be relegated - Stoke City, Burnley & Portsmouth.

Next season's FA Cup winners - Arsenal or Everton.

Next season's Carling Cup winners - Liverpool. FACT.

Next season's shock transfer - Carlos Tevez to Man City / Samuel Eto'o to Man United.

... you heard it here first folks!!